| as if |
[Mar. 26th, 2009|12:15 am] |
I sit here wondering " if I upload these now it makes it official " as if the last three days werent.
as if those stupid village fire fighters didn't have the brains to see where a small spring is, and where a gigantic pond is to draw the water.
as if I watched my aunt pick up burnt coins out the aftermath and preach to me about 'vultures'.
as if I found more then 10 6PACKS of beer in my grandmothers room.
as if memories from the past can no longer be smelled or seen.
as if my sister idolizes the drunk that burnt down my grandmothers house.
as if the land now belongs to men I hate.
as if I cleared the whole black kitchen and rearranged it in a neurotic pass at grieving.
as if...
as if my old homestead burnt down. |
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| The month is just about to end... |
[Jan. 30th, 2009|08:15 am] |
I wish I was a teenage prom queen. So being this high maintenance or the fact there's a hair scrunchy on my computer desk would make sense. A girl as a roommate isn't so bad, I take longer showers. Washing away the sin takes time. It's not going bad at all... but every time that's said it gets jinxed. It's ok, I was only using her for her full length mirror. I kid, I kid.
Speaking of being jinxed. The 'Vanier Curse' has gotten to me a tad this month. Other then not overly having a social life and snow storms every few days.... I was given 9$ to work with this last week. Little did I know small installments of money were being taken out in Montreal/Toronto with my debit card tucked safely away in my wallet. Or that's what I had to write on the papers when I reported this to the police. Let's just say originally there was ten times the ammount I was left with. And my usual monotone voice at least hit a few high notes that day on the phone with my pimps.... I wonder if Montreal Rd is hiring.
Work is getting more difficult to complete then awkward sex this week. Lots of distractions and I have lots of work to do... silly bus strike. Am I the only person in Ottawa who wasn't excited when I heard the bus strike was over? 51 days...I've gone that long without a few other things... and the best way to get them back is a surprise! Or lots of alcohol and waking up beside a guy (that you wrote his name on your palm to remember but now realized it's imprinted all over his back). But anyway, I just would of liked being told later then sooner. The next two weeks probably still has me walking a fair ammount... Breath In. Breath Out. I'm bitter, sorry. I have problems like resisting buying a cat and juggling the title of crazy cat lady and montreal night walker....
And now for something completely random:
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| I Got Your Crazy...! |
[Sep. 26th, 2008|11:38 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | life | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Womanizer - Britney Spears | ] |
"Where will I ever find a new best friend...?! Pound! Nine! Clap! Clap! Enter!"
So I totally played Rockband...and now I want it. It's horrid, I don't know why it's addicting. Maybe it's cause I played it while half asleep, and people were singing and playing drums with me and I still managed a respectable score... that won't happen at my house though... hmm... maybe just be friendly to people who have it.
In other news... nothing new has happened. WOOOO. I guess for some that's bad news, but after moving, and job getting all weird. It's nice to be boring and mundane. So much that my exciting news of the week is I found a new bus to get to Hurdman. Haha!
This week-end should be fun, Roger and Matt are having a housewarming...! We'll see how theirs goes before I jump on the idea... I was never overly excited to show my house off to friends...and even more against it now when I am poor. But hopefully I can merge, my birthday and a house invite when the time comes around. 19 was celebrated all invidually, I want 20 to be one HUGE bang. Me turning 20 means that in 11 years, my sister will be on the verge of this age. GAG. 30, 19. I can't imagine it... Bitch better have some good weave jokes! |
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| Loose change |
[Aug. 19th, 2008|04:04 pm] |
My life is like a wallet full of loose change right now. I hate when your wallet gets like that, it’s horrible. You have more discarded coin in their then most bums do in three months. My life resembles it. Ruffle through to find a Toonie. So today I poured the damn thing all over my desk at work and only put in what was important. I also called hyrdo and told them a family of one was moving into an apartment soon. Life kicked me in the ass recently, and robbed my granny. But I won’t let it get me down. |
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| Following A Trend of Openness |
[May. 3rd, 2007|08:22 am] |
-I enjoy stale/flat soda pops.
-I call pop/coke soda pop half the time.
-I love blood/violence on screen but don't support it whatsoever in the world of today.
-I am very antisocial but I love it.
-When I was younger, I thought there might be video cameras all over my house, and that "all content may be used in court against or for me".
-I love tragic love stories.
-My social group is only comprised of older people.
-I've only had one close friend for the last 2 years. I've had people close to me, but I've never been open to the level I am with that one person.
-I've had good sex, but not meaningful sex. I wonder if it exists.
-I play regina spektor when I am in the shower.
-I sketch a lot.
-I've recently found a way to no longer think, and just be at easy with my thoughts flowing through my brain, but I never pin point a key idea and dwell on it. It's very hard to explain, haha but i enjoy it immensely.
-I've questioned changing my name to : Bro'k.
-I've never said I love you with meaning (out of my close family)
-I've read the christian/jewish/islamic bible. All of them.
-I never throw out a battery.
-I love movies so much, it's not understandable.
-I don't look at peoples faces. I think most are ugly. Body movement is how I tell if I like someone.
-My favourite actress is dead. Katherine Hepburn.
-I love to watch people, I've even stalked some people.
-I would go get tortured for 100 years if I knew it would make Satoshi Kon live longer.
-I already have a planned out idea if I ever became a : musician, designer, artist, actor.
-I am at ease with my body, except for my mouth.
-I usually pretend like I don't remember much, even though, I have a very good memory. I like to hear how you say the story.
-I miss my cottage/home so much, I can't speak of it because I become emotional.
-Men who cry are admirable.
-I don't think me being an Asexual has changed whatsoever in the last four years.
-I don't like being physically touched
-White hair turns me on.
-I am intimidated by good looking people.
-I had a huge problem with lying when I was younger. I, at times, still do when I get really nervous.
-I am a vegetarian because I believe I can make that choice, because Canada can supply me with that choice. I don't believe people in Southern Mexico, Africa, or any poor family should be vegetarian because it's the right choice. I don't do it for the animals, much.
-I contemplate death a lot, but not suicide.
-I don't think I've worried about something in a long time, I've just accepted it.
-I stimulate fight scenes (Anime style) in my house all the time and then laugh at myself.
-When I look in the mirror, I never give myself eye contact.
-I like to rename people, and if they have a nickname, then use there original name.
-I donate to UNICEF.
-I still love the Little Mermaid.
-I lost my gay virginity at 15. My straight virginity 3 years earlier. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 3rd, 2007|02:31 pm] |
[mood|  indescribable]
[music| Kasabian - Ovary Stripe]
Ok, so here's a little story from my past.
 (Click on the picture to make them larger)
My father was born in this little town. He moved to Ottawa, blah blah, married had 2 kids. After my first sister's death, my grandmother decided to give us this land as a...getaway. My father took the abandonned barn that was already standing, and used it's frame to rebuild it into a cottage. Anyway, we still call it 'The barn' but all my summers were here. I've never felt more at home then incased by the old wooden beams of this house. The location of it is shown on the second image, and the picture of it when it was just finished up. It's a little different now but the basic idea is there.
Ok, so what's so amazing about this 'barn'? The fact that it is built by my fathers hands, there is no electricity, plumbing, or heating.
The fact that opening your eyes in the morning you wake up to natural light and a strong breeze. When you go to bed you don't need a flashlight because the moon is so bright it lights up all your rooms on the second floor. There is no dial to change the heat when it gets cold or warm, you just light a small fire in the oven and wait a little. When it rains you hear every drop on the steal roof. Cellphones have no reception, there is no possible way to get wireless internet, you are alone.
This place humanized me. This place made me realize that there are places where facebook do not exist (even if the high scool for the locals is on the site). This place made me hike, swim in brown muddy water, not be scared of snakes, know that being naked is fine, creatures are just a part of daily life. We spent christmas there (when our house was just boards and caulking), I spent warm summers that all you could do is go to the beach and lay around reading books under the maple tree)
When was the last time I was there? I had to call my mom to find out. A little before christmas, and that was just to stay there the night because we were visiting relatives in Perth.
My heart longs for this place. It trully cries out. I want to go back home. This summer I will again spend it at home, alone, working. I don't really mind if that's the reality, but I so want to visit. I miss the smell of home, but mostly seeing deer in the morning when you have your cheerios. |
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| An Actual Update. |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|06:06 pm] |
Well let's see what can I say about my life recently? My last posts (friends only) have been a little unventful. I will update to this day what has happened and is happening is the life of Brock.
Work (Life) - I got an extra job at the hospital, better pay, more hours then my other. I work in the Infectious Disease Section. My Mongo. job is getting a little bit boring for me...and it sucks :P So I will soon go look for another.
Social (Life) - Hmmm, this has dimmed down a little, I got to get in touch with all my friends a bit more, I've been spending time with my boy so much (even though I like it) I should just go and see how they are. I am meeting lots of (new-ish) people, and becoming friendlier with gay people ^_^ I still don't go near the straight girls. I've become stronger friends with the ones I had, and lost contact with many after High School.
Love (Life) - I am with this guy named Alex, Zabby is his nickname. I obviously like him, in a few weeks it will be seven months. Good guy all around :D Makes me laugh and all that jazz...a few little quirks (with me) that I will work out. We are actually going to my cottage.
Family (Life) - My families great, moving along without me. I am hardly home now, I work and go to Alex's. I love my parents for understanding. I miss the idea of our family sometimes though. I miss the idea of being involved in my sisters life. Then again....when I was in that house, I never knew what was going on in the first place.
Myself (Life) - I am quite happy with where I am. A few goals I want to point out for myself, like post secondary school, a new job, better body and physical health, and other silly things of the sort. I am content with my life, even though there is more, I am happy staying where I am for the moment. |
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| Back-ness |
[Mar. 21st, 2006|01:56 pm] |
"Walk down the cold stairs.
I find the instrument that links us.
Turn on. Please do.
Restart, restart, restart, restart, broken, damn....
On, finally. Click. Click. Click, here we go.
Thoughts of you all day long, plans for later this evening.
Logged on. Click; Sign In.
Not there, Away, Asleep.
This is my Internet life with you."
I signed in on Yahoo! Messenger, and a message waited for me
"Jamie (3/20/2006 12:08:53 AM): I haven't seen you on in a while.. I miss seeing that cute smile. I hope to talk to you soon.. I hope all is well with you. Bye bye for now." How flattering.
I am back folk(s)! I had lots of fun! :) It was a nice little adventure. Not too long, not too short. It made me realize that I am in love with travelling. Italy is a charmer, like most of it's people. I became closer friends with all my Sami-G people while I was there...Emily, Alex, Jean-Michel, Francine, and Pat (my roomate) Then some friends from Franco-Ouest...David mostly, and I enjoyed Brigitte, not sure if she had the same effect. David was a yummy little delight for the trip, with all the ugly europeans, he was the clean cut canadian :P Meh, I have Zabby ^_^ What I love about Zabby is that...unlike all the rest of the guys I was with he makes me feel like he wants to see me. Par Example, I'll sign on, we'll have small talk, he'll usually invite me over; if not, I invite myself over.
"Hatred will no more heal my pain, then perpetuate it." |
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| 1998, Tuesday |
[Sep. 27th, 2005|06:25 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | life | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
I found this plastic journal and inside of this delightful took of writing held a little phrase that had so much meaning. On December 29th, a tuesday, 1998 I wrote "I think that my friends are not very nice except Amanda and Angela" At the age of 9 I was in...5th grade. I even knew I didn't have good friends at that age. I changed that, in 8th grade, I changed friends completely. :) I thank myself for lowering down the social ladder and getting good respectful friends. ^_^ Go Brock! I found it kinda funny that now everyone that I can name are nice and treat me well... |
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